The groove

god i miss you.
i may wear the Element t-shirt that you left me with when you left me
to sleep
just to have something that still ties me up around you.
i unblock you on whatsapp sometimes
for the same reason.
to feel that there is still an open channel between us.
that you're still here with me, somehow.
that i'm still there with you.
god i miss you so much, 
truly.
everyday.
and on some days i almost forget you and i don't care,
but even on those i miss you still.
i went to our past and i felt real down.
the sheets and the wood and the trees,
everything brought me back to you.
it was like you were about to turn up around every corner.
i saw you there with your white t-shirt,
i thought if only we could still sleep in the same bed tonight.
and it made me think
god maybe i will love you forever.
maybe i will carry this for a very long time,
until something redirects me.
the groove is immense and the freight,
well, likewise.
i feel stuck on you.
i don't move on.
i move in circles
and you are the center.
rather, i move in a spiral,
and sometimes i think i'm far away
but i always roll back to you.
i miss how we used to laugh together 
and feeling your arms or your face or your chest with the palms of my hands.
running my fingers through your hair,
being close to you. 
having you there, in every sense.
i miss being your girlfriend,
and that you were my boyfriend,
and that there was this concrete thing between us
palpable
that put a structure, almost a body,
to the coctail of reactions that you fired up in my brain.
a good coctail.
i know you couldn't love me.
and i know you can't love me now the way i want you to love me.
and i think i know you did all that you did because you are lost,
and when people are lost they can do anything.
like spinning tops.
or maybe you just don't altogether,
because i know that if you did
you would have come back by now.
and i know i didn't love you in many ways, i didn't love you right.
because i also was lost, 
and i was a baby back then.
we were babies.
but i wanted us to grow together.
i fantasize that you'll come back and tell me everything that i want you to tell me.
and i check my spam folder everyday like i'm gonna have an apology from you.
and i wish it were different,
but the freight is proportioned to the groove.
i can't not feel what i feel.
and i feel that i love you.
in spite of everything.
that i would forgive you, look at that.
that i would love you
in spite of everything.
if you just treated me right 
and loved me back.
really loved me back.
not just with your words,
not like a baby,
but like a grown up.

🌙

so the periodicity thing is not going to work out.

x